Why does Mary-Kate Olsen go out in the same ghastly outfit every day? The flannel, the ripped leggings, the expensive big, ugly boots?
The B!tch Replies: Okay, now, now. Today's savvy vampire must sport certain wardrobe staples, or she'll lose her cred with the other children of the night.
Chic young bloodsuckers know ripped black leggings are perfect for that first post-sunset foray out of one's crypt. They're just elegant enough, yet still a bit fancy free—like cocktail attire. Occasionally, Mary-Kate gets a bit daring with her ensembles. On Jan. 8, she stepped out—get this—in broad daylight, with brand-new black stockings that had no holes. The only barrier between her and the sun: a black fedora and a roomy black coat that could house only about 18—okay, 20, at best—small ghouls. Such valor.
Anyway, because black leggings passed out of fashion at least a year ago, and because ripped leggings passed out of fashion with the death of Sid and/or Nancy, we cannot simply write off Mary-Kate's recent getups as some sort of raging fad. Therefore, her motives must be psychological.
For every rip in Mary-Kate's tights, there is a different theory from the celebrity shrinks.
For therapist Gilda Carle, the motives lie in rebellion.
"The twins were little babies when they started in showbiz, a realm that emphasizes the superficial—how you look—more than anything else," Carle explains to this B!tch. "Even though these girls are adults now, they're still reacting to being told what to do. Some kids do that by going goth. These girls are doing it by saying, 'I am going to wear what I want.' "
For psychiatrist Paul Dobransky, the stockings could be a sort of security blanket. Or binkie.
"Sometimes, people have a very positive experience in their lives while wearing a certain article of clothing," Dobransky says. "For example, why in the world are Kevin Costner and Kurt Russell still wearing those big old cowboy hats all the time? That's so '80s, even if you do live on a ranch. Well, it's because they link good emotion in their minds to the American West, to the cowboy films of their youth.
"Look at the brief trend in J.Lo velour workout pants and jackets. Every girl wore them one to two years ago, but some still do, because, hey, they are so comfortable."
Got that? Now, be dears, my readers. Please send your gently worn pants and blouses to the Save Mary-Kate Project, care of the E! Building. I'll make sure they get to the twin in question.
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